Well the New Year is now almost two months old.

We are one sixth of the way through 2010 already. And so far - all of my New Year resolutions have come to… nothing.  

I have not done any exercise. I have not cut out any junk food. I am as unfit and unhealthy today as I was on December 31 2009.

I live in the West Of Scotland, and if you were a visitor or a tourist in this part of the world you might be forgiven for thinking that we are all very fit.  Every second or third person you see will be wearing sports clothes. Track Suits, Football Tops, and Sports Leisure wear.

Infact if you were walking around the East End Of Glasgow you could be forgiven for thinking that you were in some kind of Olympic Village.  Until you look a little bit closer and see that most of the white track suits are actually size XXL and most of the football tops are XXXL.  Why do men think that they look good in a size XXXL football top?

In reality, the West of Scotland is one of the unhealthiest places in the world. The kids wearing the sporting gear are generally hooligans / hoodies who think that their white track suits and Gold Jewellery makes them look like some kind of Gangsta Rapper from The Bronx or Detroit.  

A recent Government survey asked if Scotland's lack of fitness was due to ignorance or apathy. The response was a resounding "I don't know and I don't care".

Despite all of this. Glasgow will host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

This is one of the biggest sporting events in the calendar, and it's in Glasgow. It's like asking Zimbabwe to host a good governance conference.

Glasgow is probably the only place in the world where you can buy a deep fried Mars Bar in a Fish and Chip Shop. And where given the choice of a stone baked four season's pizza or a deep fried half pizza with chips - 70% of the population would pick the latter.

So how do we get a nation of overweight, unhealthy couch potatoes to embrace a major sporting event?

We need to bring in some events that the locals can relate to. Most Glaswegians think that Heptathlon is where Superman comes from. So the event organisers are going to have to be creative.

For example the 400 meters needs to be given a facelift. Each competitor should be forced to wear a white track suit, a really heavy gold necklace with their name on it, and a gold sovereign ring on every finger.

They will have to run the race carrying a stolen car stereo and an open can of Carlsberg Extra Strength, whilst being chased by other, less fit, athletes dressed as policemen.

The shot putt should be replaced by an event where competitors throw huge bricks at speeding trains, the person with the most direct hits winning gold.

"Shooting" would of course have to be replaced with "Shooting Up."

The football event will have two teams, one dressed in blue and the other in green, standing at opposite ends of the park shouting abusive, sectarian songs at their opponents - which neither team actually understands.  

And the Marathon would take place right in Glasgow City Centre with competitors having to drink a pint of Stella and a tequila slammer in 27 different pubs.  Every third pub will have a two for one promo where the quantity must be doubled.

As they "run" between pubs the event organisers will thrust deep fried mince pies or cold kebabs into their hands which must be eaten en-route to the next pub stop.

I would expect the Scottish team to be guaranteed Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in this event.

  

 

 

Despite the attempts to show his human side when chatting to Piers Morgan, Gordon Brown remains the most unpopular Prime Minister in the history of the UK. 

Voters don't like him, his party don't like him - his own cabinet doesn't even like him. And yet… not a single member of that cabinet has the balls to take him on in a leadership contest.

I could have understood it when the Conservatives were so far ahead in the polls that any Labour leader would have been doomed to failure. But instead of taking advantage of Labours shambolic performance, David Cameron appears to be trying to take the Conservatives to the same level of un-electability.

So much so.. that a decent Labour leader might actually be able to win another term - which given the record of the Labour Government is quite incredible.  

But still no challenge.

You'd almost think that the country is in such a bad state that NO-ONE actually wants to be in charge next time round. 

And still, good old Gordon keeps coming out with the same old mantra "I'll just keep focusing on the job".

He clearly does not realise that's not very reassuring - he's not done much of a job so far has he??

Gordon Brown "focusing on the job" fills you with all the confidence of  going into the Operating Theatre of your local NHS hospital and the guy with the scalpel looking down at you saying "I'm not actually a surgeon, I'm meant to be looking after the air conditioning, but I'll have a go..".

And when finally Labour do steer the UK out of recession, the growth we see is 0.1%...   0.1%.  And this takes into account the Christmas retail period - so there is every possibility that we could go back into a negative figure next quarter.

0.1%.. 

I have a theory.......

Gordon knew that the figures were tight, so one afternoon whilst watching a re-run of Loose Women he spotted the solution during the adverts. "Cash For Gold".

Now having already sold off all of the UK's gold reserves for a fraction of their value just before Gold prices rocketed, he had none of our national gold to sell. Not to be put off, he rifled through his wife's extensive jewellery collection and sent off a few trinkets he thought she'd never miss. He buys three bottles of reduced price Champagne in Sainsbury's with the cash and hey presto - growth of 0.1%. 

  

 

    

And just where did this cash for gold craze come from?

They are everywhere..  Dale Winton is even trying to make one of them look like a gameshow...  

You take your "unwanted" gold,  because we all have some don't we?,  in the cupboard under the stairs beside the "unwanted" Christmas presents and the half empty bottle of Ouzo we got from Duty Free in 1984.

You put it in a big envelope marked "Give Me Cash For My Gold" and send it through the post to someone that you don't know in the hope that they will weigh it and send you some money (but you don't know how much) for it.  

Now given the state of the Post Office just now I wouldn't send a £10.00 gift voucher in a birthday card , and yet people are sending Gold Jewellery in a big enveloped marked "Gold Jewellery Inside" through the post to someone without knowing in advance how much they will give in return….   

This Cash For Gold craze though also offers a starkly honest insight into the quality of BBC TV. 

Dale Winton is more than happy to appear in a "Give Us Your Gold "advert which looks like it was filmed in a toilet cubicle somewhere in Peckham on a mobile phone and yet even he is not prepared to stoop low enough to present "Hole In The Wall"  - BBC's prime time Saturday Night Show.. 

  

 

 

 

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